Tragic: The Giving Tree is Set to be Chopped Down and Converted into a Pew
It’s a sad day for The Giving Tree-heads everywhere, as the estate of Shel Silverstein has announced that they are chopping down the famous tree at the end of the month to make space for a new state-of-the-art parking lot where it once stood. While many were stoked to hear about another new parking lot, the news was bittersweet for those who revere the Giving Tree. The famous tree has been standing in Oakland, California for over 200 years now, and has become a staple of the area. Tourists come from far and wide to witness the beauty of the tree, and many hope that they will get lucky and receive an apple from Mr. Giving when they pay their respects.
It is clear why the tree is being uprooted (parking lots rule), but people want to know what is going to happen to the tree, as wood is often used to make things. As part of the announcement, the estate of Shel made it very clear that they were going to make the tree last. It was excitedly announced that they are partnering with Lakewood, the mega-church run by Joel Osteen in Houston, Texas to turn the Giving Tree into a pew.
This news was not taken nearly as well as the parking lot news. While everyone loves parking lots, not everyone likes Joel Osteen, famous grifter. To add insult to injury, the Giving Tree pew isn’t even going anywhere prominent in the church. In a 17,000 seat arena, the new pew will be in the back left, next to one of the angry apple trees from the Wizard of Oz. This level of disrespect is not going unnoticed, especially when other famous trees have been made into pews right in the front. The Whomping Willow from Harry Potter and the Tree of Life from The Lion King are within 10 feet of Joel during any service.
In protest, Giving Tree fans are doing anything they can to stop the tree from being defiled. One group has decided to convert to Judaism in an effort to limit the number of potential congregants at Lakewood church. They are unfortunately finding that it isn’t easy to convert to Judaism, and requires years of work and study. Another group of fans has begun only eating raw meat for every meal. They believe that if they get sick enough, they can become undead. The start of a zombie apocalypse would awaken the late Shel Silverstein himself, and he’ll veto the deal. The estate of Shel Silverstein has been making questionable decisions for years (like the donation of over $1 million to Amazon as a thank you for carrying their books on the site) and many believe that if Shel can come back to life, his IP will be saved for good.
In any event, it’s not looking great for the current status of The Giving Tree. They’ve already applied vaseline to the trunk to dissuade visitors from climbing the tree in protest, and next week they will begin trimming the branches. Get tickets to visit as soon as you can, and please buy Shel Silverstein’s work on amazon.com.