Starry Shocks With New Ad Campaign

Starry, the new lemon-lime soda sold by PepsiCo., is in the news today after launching a truly unconventional ad campaign this week. The Sierra Mist replacement drink arrived on shelves at the start of 2023, and has certainly made its mark known. Until this point, they’ve stuck to basic marketing tactics, and have had relative success. Apparently that wasn’t enough for PepsiCo. because today they went to another level.

Philadelphia residents woke up this morning to a new Starry pop-up shop in the middle of Center City. Employees were seen handing out bottles of the drink to locals on their way to work, and a spokesperson for the company went on the Philly morning news to start the day. Here, he explained that the pop-up shop was not just for show, and was actually offering a full year of free Starry for the families of any senior citizen who agreed to let the Starry team euthanize them. He assured viewers that the tent was filled with medical professionals, and the procedure would go off without a hitch.

When pressed about why this was the way to advertise, the spokesman explained that they are trying to market to a younger demographic, and thought that eliminating their oldest demographic (who cannot stomach the gnarly flavor of Starry) while helping grow the new generation would be the most appropriate way to do so.

While many are questioning the morality of this campaign, just as many seem to be chomping at the bit for some free Starry. Teens have been lining up their dementia-ridden grandparents all morning, and at points the line has gone all the way around City Hall! Clearly the marketing department over at PepsiCo. knows what they’re doing.

EDIT: It’s been three days, and the entire supply of Starry in the city of Philadelphia has been wiped out! Sales could not be better for the lemon-lime soda right now, but executives at PepsiCo. are weary. They’ve euthanized over 1,500 senior citizens in the last 36 hours, and owe a TON of free Starry to families all over the area. They are deciding whether to cut the campaign short early or not, as there is a bus of the elderly on its way from Cleveland. They have to stop every half hour for a bathroom break, but they’re almost to Harrisburg at the time I’m writing. In fact, I should head out now if I want to get my Pap in before lunch.