Rutherford B. Hayes Middle School Puts on a Stunningly Stale Production of Seussical Jr.
There’s something magical about an opening night at the theater. Last Friday, I was invited to attend the premiere of the Rutherford B. Hayes middle school production of Seussical Jr. based on the stories of Dr. Seuss himself. I was technically given a ticket because I work at the school, but I read between the lines to know that they really wanted my review, hence the great (general admission) seats I was gifted.
Before the show, I went to Red Lobster to enjoy some shrimp and wine as a way to prepare myself for the night ahead. The shrimp was delightful, and the 2 bottles of wine I drank really hit the spot. I would have liked a partner for the night, but my neighbor Donna had no desire to join, and my daughter Lucille hasn’t talked to me in about four years. Alas, I attended alone.
The lobby of the auditorium is fine, but could use some renovations. I do love browsing the photos of casts from years past, and always get a kick out of seeing 2001’s production of Annie Jr., where the school spent $30,000 to get the dog from Full House to perform. We still haven’t financially recovered from that and the dog has long since died. I could do without the 6th grade artwork that lines the walls. It’s trite to say the least. Not a lot of talent in this year’s crop of kids. Any remaining beauty of an auditorium lobby was taken away by the brash white folding table with no tablecloth, which was being used to sell plastic water bottles and fun-sized bags of chips.
I got to my seat just as the lights dimmed, and was ready to be wowed. Unfortunately, no such wowing occurred. I’ve seen hundreds of shows in my life, and this was far and away the worst. As the overture began, it was immediately clear that students from the high school were playing. The trumpets were screeching, the drummer was off-beat, and I wanted to die.
As the curtain rose, I was given my first glimpse of the set, if I can call it that. I could tell that some local dads helped build it, and it was equally clear to see that they weren’t the dads who have any construction experience. The craftsmanship was shoddy, the painting was rushed, and I was waiting for a few of the truffula trees to fall down the entire time. The lighting was fine, no complaints there.
Before I go any further, I need to shout out the lovely Kristen Gardner who played the Sour Kangaroo. In an otherwise disaster of a “show”, Ms. Gardner made the stage hers. Her powerful voice rang through the auditorium, shattering my expectations. When she was on stage, there was a little bit of light. Unfortunately, she sucks at social studies, and is hovering around a low C average. But with her talent, school might not matter pretty soon.
The next part of this review was supposed to break down the individual performances of the leads, but I fell asleep not long after “Biggest Blame Fool”. It turns out that no matter how excited you are for a middle school production, two bottles of wine will always win.
I did wake up midway through “Chasing the Whos”, and was immediately put off by 7th grader Sean Kitchner’s overacting as the Cat in the Hat. Just a lousy attempt at humor if I can even call it that.
The show ended and I walked out in a daze. There was nothing left to do but go home and write this review, or so I thought. As I opened the auditorium doors, I was met with a wall of sound. Every child, still in costume, was screaming about all the things their families witnessed mere minutes ago. Walking through this lunacy was a minefield. If I made eye contact with the wrong kid, they’d ask me what I thought, and I wasn’t ready to ruin a child’s night…not yet.
Unfortunately, the wine was still in my system when I left the school, and I only made it about 30% of the way home before I T-boned a minivan while running a red light. Earlier tonight she left no impression as the one feathered tail of Miss Gertrude McFuzz, but now she’d always appear in my nightmares as Lacey Johnson, the (now) one-legged girl who got hit by my car.