Topical Nonsense Daily (Page 3)

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Tragic: The Giving Tree is Set to be Chopped Down and Converted into a Pew

It’s a sad day for The Giving Tree-heads everywhere, as the estate of Shel Silverstein has announced that they are chopping down the famous tree at the end of the month to make space for a new state-of-the-art parking lot where it once stood. While many were stoked to

Starry Shocks With New Ad Campaign

Starry, the new lemon-lime soda sold by PepsiCo., is in the news today after launching a truly unconventional ad campaign this week. The Sierra Mist replacement drink arrived on shelves at the start of 2023, and has certainly made its mark known. Until this point, they’ve stuck to basic

Tragedy on Sesame Street: Oscar the Grouch and Count Von Count Killed in Early Morning Shootout

It was not a beautiful day in the neighborhood this morning when reports surfaced of a tragic shooting on the famous Sesame Street in the heart of New York City. The first report of gunshots was filed at 2:05 this morning outside of Hooper’s Store. Authorities quickly arrived

End of an Era: Beloved Splash Mountain Officially Closes to Make Way for a New Marvel Themed Flume

Welp, it’s official. As of January 23rd, the famous Disney attraction Splash Mountain has logged its last flume. After years of heated debate, Disney has officially closed down the controversial ride in order to both stay fresh, and usher in a more modern IP. Opening in 2024, the new

Not Again! Jeremy Renner Hit by a Second Snow Plow While Recovering in the Hospital

You just can’t make this stuff up! On Friday January 6th, Jeremy Renner, star of films such as The Hurt Locker, The Town, Wind River, Arctic Dogs, Tag, Arrival, The Immigrant, Thor, The Avengers, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War, Avengers: Endgame, and the recent Disney Plus

Birthday Blunder: Grimace’s Special Day goes Awry After Nude Photo is Tweeted from the McDonald’s Australia Account

Talk about a birthday surprise! As you may or may not know, last Monday marked the birthday of purple McDonald’s monstrosity Grimace. The overweight freak was excited to celebrate, and took to Twitter to announce his big day. McDonald’s decided to create a purple milkshake for the slug,

My Official Apology to those Trapped on "The Titan", the Titanic Exploration Ship Lost at Sea

This is not going to be an easy one for me to write. I haven’t been able to sleep and can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong. For those of you who don’t know, a small submarine filled with some rich white dudes was recently

A Sign of the Times! Rainforest Cafe to Rebrand this Fall

In shocking news today, Rainforest Cafe CEO Steven Schussler announced that the Rainforest Cafe you know and love will be no more come this fall. While the news may seem despicable at first, Rainforest enthusiasts shouldn’t fear for the loss of their beloved restaurant experience. In fact, the Rainforest

Nintendo Wii Sales Fall for the 5th Consecutive Year

Growing up in the 2000s, two things were certain: the 11th day of September in grade school was always really awkward, and going to a friend’s house meant you would be playing a Nintendo Wii. The Wii is one of the most successful video game consoles of all time

Devastating: A Middle-Aged Woman Just Joined Us in the Hot Tub

Our vacation in South Florida had been a dream come true up until this point. We got upgraded to first class on our flight, a daiquiri was waiting for us at the resort, and the weather couldn’t have been better. We were winding down night one with a trip