Man-Spider: New Superhero Spotted in San Francisco
They’re real, and they’re here! After decades of superhero movies cleaning up the box office, it looks like we may finally have our first real-life vigilante in the streets. First spotted about a week ago, this new hero has become world news. Louis Ripkin was a little spider enjoying the big city. That is until he was bitten by a radioactive man in the park and became Man-Spider.
A resident of San Francisco, Louis Ripkin never dreamed of being extraordinary. He just wanted to live in his web, eat his flies, and chill. His life was thrown into disarray when he was bitten and became half-human, half-spider. At first, this sounds great. Everyone knows Spider-Man, and he’s beloved by all. Man-Spider's issue, however, is his less than sexy power set.
While the famous Spider-Man is a man who has the powers of a spider, Man-Spider is a human-sized spider with the powers of man. He can run about 7 miles per hour, trips pretty frequently, and has crippling self-confidence issues.
I guess referring to him as a hero is a bit unfair. In fact, I can’t find much that would be considered heroic about him. One big win that I will give Louis is his 401K match. One of his “powers” is a 14% employer match on his 401K. Very few can boast about that. Louis also got a promotion the day he came into work as Man-Spider. He had been overperforming for years, but finally got rewarded once he showed up to work as a man.
Not everything is positive for Man-Spider. For one, he is currently under investigation for tax evasion in the state of California. As a spider, he never had to worry about taxes. He mostly worried about flies. Now he’s in deep trouble. The vigilante is also now celiac. He can't eat any baked goods, and like all other celiacs, has to pretend that gluten-free food is half decent.
On top of all of this, there is an expectation for Man-Spider to stop crime. As of today, not a single crime has been stopped by Man-Spider. He's slacking and people are starting to take notice.