Devastating: A Middle-Aged Woman Just Joined Us in the Hot Tub

Our vacation in South Florida had been a dream come true up until this point. We got upgraded to first class on our flight, a daiquiri was waiting for us at the resort, and the weather couldn’t have been better. We were winding down night one with a trip to the hot tub, and to our gleeful surprise there was no one around! We got in, relaxed as ever, until the day took a dark turn.

Approximately six minutes after entering the tub, we spotted something that would change the course of our trip. Walking down the path, a middle-aged woman (probably 53) approached us at a leisurely pace. Before we knew it, she said “Mind if I join you boys?” while already halfway submerged in the toasty pool. Being kind, young gentlemen, we obliged and continued our conversation. At the time, we were talking about our Final Four predictions. I had just bet an unhealthy amount of my last paycheck on Villanova, and my buddy Craig was all-in on Kansas. Our predictions wouldn’t matter, however, because our new “friend” changed the conversation almost immediately.

“So, where are you boys from?” was an immediate punch to the gut. This woman hadn’t even fully submerged in the tub before derailing our conversation. “I’m from South Dakota'' felt like a kill shot. Had she been from anywhere remotely interesting, a shallow but survivable conversation could have taken place. Now, we were stuck.

In my humble opinion, the “hot tub standoff” isn’t talked about enough in school. It’s one of the most delicate and fascinating events a person can experience, all because of the unique situation presented. I’ll break it down for you.

First, you’re in an enclosed space. There isn’t room to have your own area. Everyone who is in the hot tub is in the hot tub together. This means that conversations are destined to merge. 2 separate chats cannot physically exist in the space of most public tubs. That’s issue number one.

Then you have the heat. In most social situations, you can stay in a conversation that you want no part of or you can leave. It’s simple. Sure, you lose your chair or spot in the group, but you’re now free to live your best life. It’s not so simple in the warm embrace of a hot tub. For starters, space is limited and cherished. Most people don’t have the luxury of jumping into a hot tub whenever they want. It takes a special occasion for one to appear, and best practice says get the most bang for your buck. Additionally, the amount of time you can physically spend in a hot tub is limited. The heat always wins, so no one lasts forever.

This is where our problem lies. In her mid-50s, it’s hard to predict exactly how long this middle-aged woman is expected to last in a hot tub. She could be in and out in 5 minutes, which is well worth the agony. We’d be back to our chatter in minutes. She could also last an hour. We entered the tub first, so if she could last a while, we would have put up with her malarkey for up to 45 minutes, only to leave the tub first. A precious hour wasted on our tropical escape.

In the end, luck was on our side. After just 13 minutes of South Dakota facts and objectifying comments about how lucky she was to be surrounded by young shirtless men, our new acquaintance Debbie called it quits. We never did see her again on the trip, and maybe she just wanted one last dip before packing up and heading home. Regardless, the boys were buzzin’ when she left and the rest of our vacation was nothing but smiles.