An Open Letter to Regal Cinemas

Fuck you Regal Cinemas. As a proud rewards member, I expect better of you. Every Tuesday I come to your little theater with my $6 special ticket and my half price popcorn. Every Tuesday I think “maybe Regal read my emails and has decided to make a change. Maybe Regal Cinemas cares about me”. Every Tuesday, Regal Cinemas spits in my face yet again.

What is it that brings me to the end of my rope each and every Tuesday at the Regal Cinemas, you may ask? It’s the beyond awful pre-show Regal ad where a bunch of freaks deliver iconic movie lines as poorly as humanly possible. “Aw, but that could be cute for a theater, couldn’t it?” Maybe. But in this case it most certainly is not. They shoehorn so many quotes into this thing and try to connect as many of them as possible. It’s infuriating. The worst part has to be when someone walks into a row, presumably to sit down. A girl says “you can’t sit with us” which is already a stupid thing to say because every Regal I’ve ever been to has had assigned seating. Look at your ticket, asshole. The line that follows is what really turns my stomach. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?” Of course there’s not a chance, she just said you can’t sit with her. And it doesn’t matter if you want to sit there because YOU HAVE A SEAT THAT WAS ASSIGNED TO YOU WHEN YOU PURCHASED YOUR TICKET.

The entire skit is a mockery to us hard-working Americans, and it’s a stain on society as a whole. The smug kid at the end with his messy hair is my personal enemy, and I root against him in everything he does from this point on. Regal, you have lost my respect, but not my business because that Tuesday deal is too good to miss!